As our table of 7 sat moaning and clutching our overstuffed bellies, in a bittersweet tribute to our glutonous state of immobility, there was a certain level of sheer horror as we saw the staff at C5 descending upon us with 7 new dessert plates, compliments of the house. At once I was reminded of one of the most iconic scenes in the brilliant career of Monty Python, as Mr Creosote is fed just 1 more mint (wafer thin), at which point he literally explodes all over an entire fine dining room. Its an image which has stuck with me for over 20 years and sitting in the fabulously decored dining room of The Royal Ontario Museum, the paralells to our brunch table were unmistakable. As we exchanged donuts to make it appear as though everyone ate at least SOMETHING of our complimentary dessert, I half expected to be covered in someone's insides at any moment.
 |
| The "No mas" face of delightful glutony |
With One Restaurant closed for 2 weeks for renovation, I was on my first day of a rather open ended staycation. Kicking things off with a sensational (if not zealously glutonous) brunch at C5, I still had little idea of what I was going to do with myself for the next 15 days. It was sitting there, at a table that had devolved from dialougue to simple gutteral moaning, and inspired by the joyous explosion of Mr Creosote, that an idea struck me. I was to embark on a 2 week oddessey through culinary exctacy. My mission was to dispell 2 myths, both of which irk me to no end.
First, the idea that eating rich and delicious fatty foods will result in a rich and unnappealing waistline. I'd shed over 20 lbs since moving to Toronto 4 years ago, and none of it had to do with cutting out fatty foods. In fact my weekly intake of such fat-tastic monstrosities as foie gras & pork fat was much higher now than when I clocked in at 215 lbs. Yet without any sort of workout regiment, I rarely, if ever weigh in over 190. I can marv down an entire Momma's pizza in one night, and yet have dicarded 10 years of size 36's for 33's. My mom says I'm quite the catch.
Second is the idea that eating great food every day is simply beyond the means of the average citizen. So demoralized are the McJob generation that we have virtually excepted the doom and gloom of Supersize Me as gospel, and that anyone falling short of six figure income is destined to suffer the horrible fate of chewing down processerd crap for their entire lives. This tragic bit of fearmongering couldnt be further from the truth. While the fine dining of 15 tears ago was an excercize in a virtual caste system, the modern chef is opening their doors to the masses with fantastic fare at affordable prices, and often in rooms that dont remind you of how poorly dressed you are. In addition, there has been a re-awakening of the home cook. Bouyed by television programming, the information age and a vastly more available market for fresh foods, an era of culinary delight in the comfort of your own home is at hand (even for a pleb like myself). With no employment (therefore income) for 2 weeks, if I could afford the oddessey I was about to embark upon, than anyone could.
It was decided. For 2 weeks, nothing but excess of the most immaculate food I could stumble upon. Each day I would document the food, as well as my activity, to demonstrate that you can go big, without getting big. And as an added obstacle, I began this adventure 2 weeks into having quit smoking. Nothing says weight gain like dropping cigarettes....right?
So this would be my Supersize Me. Or my Guinnessize Me (a remarkable independant Irish film thats tragically under distributed on this side of the Atlantic). Or my Meaning of Life.
(note: I apologize for the low res camera phone shots. I still feel self concious about being THAT guy taking food shots at a restaurant with a Nikon Cool Pics, and thus stealth shots under the guise of checking my text messages. Time to ivest in a more jounalistic camera)
DAY ONE
I'd heard for some time of the remarkable brunch being served at C5 at The ROM, so I was quite excited to begin my vacation with a group of close friends, all dressed up and ready to mow. Further it was a chance to dine with an old friend whose been cooking for the past 2 years at a Michelin star shop in London England. He loves it there, but misses the familiar Toronto tastes such as the McEwan Miso Cod. We laughed that 3 of the 7 of us had recieved the new McEwan cookbook for Christmas. Dining with Mark's personal assistant we were all promised autographs.
 |
| Charcuterie Platter - C5 |
We began with pastries and charcuterie, and while I've never been the biggest pastry guy, it proved a worthy vessel for the pork liver pate and the foie torchon, both of which were heavenly. While my commrades were raving about their Bacon Stuffed Pancakes, and deconstructed Huevos Rancheros, I was falling in love with the lobster ommelette with gruyere & peameal bacon on an English Muffin. I will admit that the Confit Potato Hash with chorizo, mahon & creme fraiche sounded way better than it came off on the plate. I will also admit that it didnt stop me from eating the side entirely. One of our guests ordered a tasting of their entire (and impressive) bacon menu which most certainly led to some bacon envy. Fortunately we were an assembly who all understood the value of sharing plates, a style of dining which will be a focal point when the Red Devil opens its own doors one day. By the time we finished nobody could move, which made the complimentary dessert course horrifying. Yet our commitment to delicious would not allow for anything short of force feeding ourselves. I had a sudden glimpse of the horrifying life of the goose destined to become foie...ironic given how much torchon I had ingested.
 |
| Lobster Ommlette on English Muffin - C5 |
As for costs, while this might have been a tad steep on its own, we were guests of the management & therefore we were looked after pretty well. Tax & tip included this one came in at $40 a head.
I finished the day off with some manual labor (got to pay the bills somehow in this period of unemployment) but as for activity, that was it
Began the day (and the experiment) weighing in at 189lbs.
DAY TWO
Still feeling the foie torchon lumbering around my belly, I began the day with a 20 minute jog around Baldwin Village. Big mistake. While I usually jog once a week or so in the spring/summer/fall, I had never done so in the below centigrade side of the calender before. Trying to catch your breath while jogging in these temperatures can only be compared to having tiny icy daggers ripping apart one's windpipe & lungs. It was decidedly more unpleasant than I could have possibly predicted & woulod certainly be my last outdoor jog until April.
I consoled myself with a walk through Kensington Market, where in spending less than $80, I picked up the entire list of groceries for everything I'd eat at home until further notice. On the menu for lunch was a fruit salad with grapes & watermelon, which was a joyous way to root on Real Madrid to victory on Derby Day over Getafe. Festooned on the couch, there was little or no activity on the cards foir this day. Beyond standing to give ovation to the return of Kaka to the Royal Blues, which they need given the absence of Higuain for the balance of the season.
 |
| Shortib Pappardelle |
For dinner I was beer braising beef shortribs, which I typially pair with farfalle in a reduction of the braising liquid, with mushrooms & onions. The market was unfortunately barren of farfalle however so I improvised with papardelle noodles cut short into 11/2 inch lengths. Made enough to feed myself thoroughly & to have several days worth of leftovers.
DAY THREE
 | |
| The Sandwich Board - Biff's Bistro |
Kicked off Tuesday with a turkey melt on a kaiser with Le Brin cheese, swiss chard, creamy dijon & black pepper alongside a litre of chocolate milk. Chocolate milk is the medicine. Promptly followed this up with a hike across town from Baldwin Village to the Parliament Street pet shop Menagerie to pick up some gear to welcome my new pet Puffer fish, Garth Algar (party on Wayne). The dinner portion of our day would be spent at Biff's Bistro, an Oliver & Bonacini joint on Front Street. The main attraction, dollar oysters. As frightening as discount shellfish may sound. OB is a safe haven when it comes to food quality with an established brand to maintain and this is definitely one of my favorite things to do in town. Dining with an old colleague from One, we jammed down 50 delicious Atlantic oysters along with a couple of fantastic white wines. We began with an Albarinho from Vina Cartin in the Rias Baxis of Galicia, which has a geographical afftinity for the oyster. A perfect pairing. After polishing of a bottle we went to a glass each of the William Fevre "Champs Royeaux" Chablis. While of defiitely on the lower end of the Fevre catalog, the wines of this producer even at this calibre are remarkable. Still shellfish friendly, though noticably bigger than its superlight predecesor, making it the better 2nd choice. We wouldnt have tasted the albarinho had we reversed that order. Total cost for half the bill (mostly booze...hardly necessary....though fully welcomed) was $85. Loaded on 3 baskets of bread and over 2 dozen oysters each, we stumbled north to a dinner party in midtown where we soaked in more wine and picked at baked fish pie and Lindor chocolates.
 |
| Oyster Platter (1 of 3) - Biff's Bistro |
DAY FOUR
Kept it simple for lunch with Harvest Crunch serial and milk with honey. But promtly decided second lunch was needed and marved on shortrib pasta leftovers. Feeling the itch to get some sort of physical activity in, I paired up for a rigorous hour long game of squash. 60 full minutes of highly competitve squash felt pretty fantastic, and for the first time since I dropped cigarrettes, I fully noticed improved lung capacity. A great feeling. Promptly rewarded with a guys night in, filled with bowling, table tennis, whiskey, beer and beef patties.
Began the day weighing in at 186 lbs.
DAY FIVE
 |
| Front Window - Porchetta and Co. |
 |
| Porchetta Sandwich - Porchetta and Co. |
I also decide upon a future blog article entitled Amy Pataki Can Sit On An Egg & Rotate.
The night went late, having gone out to check out The Five Aces live in concert. When the party returned back to my place afterward we made the call to Toronto's late night delivery institution, Sizzler's. Poutine & a bacon-cheeseburger seem a fine idea at 3am.
DAY SIX
After spending my first Christmas holiday with my family in several years a few weeks back I have had the jones for some authentic old school Hungarian cuisine. After cereal & sandwich combo (both as previously prepared) for lunch, I began simmering together the classic Hungarian vege dish, Lesco. My dad was correct by insisting the fragrances arising while you cook this dish are drenched in familiarity. Hardly the stuff of fatty delight, my simmering pan of tomato, green pepper & onions is gonna need an injection to come up to code. Good thing I've got a lb of double smoked bacon resting in the fridge. Soon its pan frying alongside the Lesco and when finished promises several sittings of delicious.
DAY SEVEN
 |
| Baldwin Village 7am the morning of FA Cup Rd 3 |
FA Cup weekends in England are the stuff of football legend. Rounds 3 and 4 are famous for unthinkable upsets and classic rivalries renewed. Thus I brave the morning blizzard and march down the best place in the city to catch the beautiful game, The Football Factory. Owners Pat & Chris have a terrific family thing going here with dedicated regulars, full & complete football coverage, passionate & entertaining staff and a rock solid kitchen. I'm surrounded by a gaggle of Leeds fans (clearly excited to finally have a match televised) and I dig in to my classic bacon & eggs breakfast with side of chorizo. Before I can finish off dipping through the last of the yolk the place explodes as Leeds take an unlikely lead at the Emirates. The outnumbered Gunners faithful seem to shrink before our very eyes. While a late equalizer ensures a 2nd leg in Yorkshire, the Leeds faithful are elated (including Chef Ben from One, who called screaming Leeds forever nonsense into my cellular). Breakfast & coffee for nearly 4 hours of Cup day cost $15 with tip
 | |
| Factory Breakfast - Football Factory |
I walk off breakfast on the way home but there was little I could do to prepare for the glutony that was to come with my first visit to Fabrica. As in other McEwan shops, I at once feel much more magnetized to the lounge than the dining room. And while this one is nowhere near as formal as Bymark or One, its more about how inviting I find the lounges at his restaurants. Sophisticated without being pompous, its just right as far as my limited sense of decor is concerned. I waste no time getting into the draft of Birra Dolomiti, a fantastic Italian beer thats light, crisp and is armed with a more dialed back and refined carbonation thats oddly reminiscent of champagne. Instantly we become friends.
 |
| Birra Dolomitti w/ Mushroom & Truffle Risotto - Fabrica |
The food was incredible. I began with an assortment of berkshire proscioto, polpetta (a giant marinara meatball) and some bread served with olive oil, all of which were on point. At $7 I can see that meatball being a big hit for the bar crowd. Next comes the mushroom risotto with shaved truffle. While the flavors were there, I must admit I am spoiled with the same (and superior) dish at One. Its good, but it can only stnad by and watch One's version take the title. By now I am suspiciously full, but there is more to do so I welcome out the Manzo (beef carpaccio with mustard sauce, capers, onions & piave). A good carpaccio is all about subleties as the chef blends an array of flavors in a symphony thats all about each part hitting its note. This one is a Beethoven. Everything in its place it stands as the best thing I've eaten all night. Until I arrive at the grand finale, the Chef's selection, Porchetta. This is the kind of definingf dish that makes the McEwan brand what it is. Its simple. Pork shoulder with pear mostarda & pesto, swimming in jus. But its tender in a way thats otherworldly and in its simple decadence lies culinary genius. I want every day of my life to include this dish. Though I cant help but wonder about my little experiment the next morning, when I awake, STILL FULL, from the night before.
 |
| Manzo - Fabrica |
DAY EIGHT
There are few words to express the ferver over England's "Greatness Derby". There are few (if any) rivalries in sport that generate the hot-blooded animosity of Manchester United v Liverpool fixture. While I typically revel in the friendly barbs between supporters in other fixtures, coming up against Liverpool likens me to the pre-conscription soldier, hellbent on the humiliating defeat of my one true enemy. Thus the Rd 3 Cup draw versus Liverpool was the marquee matchup of the season so far. Once again I huddled at the Factory bar, this time warmed with a mass of anonymous United bretheren, whilst the wise table of Anfield scum huddled quietly in the safety of the front booths. The ageless wonder (and for my money United's all time hero) Ryan Giggs buried an early spot kick and from there on it was drink and song and screaming for the next 90 minutes. It was far from the prettiest of wins, but the heart of a champion is not defined on form alone. I press those fans of "beautiful ball" clubs like Barca & Arsenal to remember that. Believe is not a catch-phrase but a way of life.
Oh yeah...food. Drunk on the spoils of our early morning triumph, the United supporters stayed along to watch crosstown rival City blow a lead against Championship side Leicester. I passed the time with factory's bacon sandwich with egg & cheddar. By the time we got to the next match it was time for La Liga & a critical fixture between the Royal Blue Madridistas and Villareal. Barca fan Hugo, the bartender, playfully threatened to broadcast a third FA Cup draw instead of Madrid garbage, but now drunk on triumph AS WELL AS pints, I would not be denied. While I was disheartened by 2 Villareal scores, and an absence of Ray Hudson (read Jesus) on the mic, I was most definitely lifted by a huge helping of BBQ pork ribs in Guiness sauce. It occurred to me that I may have consumed an entire pig this week. In the end, Ronaldo's hat trick & Kaka's finale lifted Mourinho's boys to victory and sent us stumbling into the afternoon on a high note. But it was more a waddle....as I definitely had gone the ay of the walrus these past 2 days.
Dinner was late as I was stuffed from the days regiment, and was leftover Lesco & bacon with a side of bumbleberry pie..
DAY NINE
 |
| Bagel + Lox - Drake Hotel |
A long overdue return to the squash court. I had dialed up the glutony and muted the activity quite a bit the past 2 days. Squash, a soak and a sweat were just what the doctor ordered. My reward was a visit to the Drake Hotel to visit a dear friend, pastry chef Karen Vineberg. While a bagel & lox sounds the healthy choice, all those carbs & cream cheese have to count for something right? No matter, because the smoked salmon, greens & capers were the tastiest breakfast I'd had all week. For dessert, I stuck with my Homer Simpson instincts which buzzed like a fatman's spidey sense at the word donut. Karen's doughnut bread pudding with hot chocolate was superfluous with a side of orgasmic (take that Ray Hudson). She had most definitely improved on the already massively popular recipe she once served at One.
 |
| Doughnut Bread Pudding - Drake Hotel |
While dinner was supposed to be at Duggan's Brew Pub (for the Mcewan staff Christmas party), a few colleagues gathered at my place for warmup beverages and a dose of Hank Moody (having downloaded the first 2 episodes of Californication Season 4). The natural compliment was to ring up Mama's Pizza. Party size with Goat Cheese Garlic & Pinnaple dissappeared in no time and soon enough we were shaking off that pizza dough on the Nintendo Wii with samba Di Amigo & body contact bowling (I have shady & aggressive friends).
Began the day weighing in at 187 (a surprise given how glutonous I actually felt).
DAY TEN
For lunch I finished off 2 slices that survived the night before and began making my stock for my final home cooked dinner piece. The end result would be Truffle Mac n Cheese with Orecicchiete, mushrooms, swiss raclettte, truffle oil & topped with slices of pan seared scallop. Rich and warm in every way, its a perfect winter pasta for a sedintary night inside the house when its minus 20 degrees outside.I also dabbled in the grotesque world of cinema food. By far the worst thing I ate all week, the hotdog and nacho combo at Varsity Theatre reminded me why I DON'T eat like the common man.
DAY ELEVEN
Returned to Porchetta and Co. Something about having a slow roasted pork shoulder...thats wrapped in prosciuto, and then wrapped in house cured pork belly...on a fresh baked bun...with truffle mayo...yeah I shouldnt need to go on. Its fantastic.
 |
| Cream of Cabbage Soup - Porchetta and Co. |
Dinner was a return to my favorite new shop in the city, Marben. Chef Carl runs a fantastic operation centered around foodies. Their Chef's table sits literally into the kitchen, allowing them to chat with you throughout your meal, about what your eating and beyond. The menu is constantly changing, and they genuinely enjoy learning about what their guests like and dont like about the food.
I had arrived early and as if to prove my previous statement, they bring me a new dish they were considering for the next menu. A fennel and radish salad with grapefruit, ranch dressing, cured trout and topped with a cheese croquette. Before I knew it, one of the chefs was at the table asking whether or not there was too much grapefruit.
 |
| "The Spread" - Marben |
Once everyone arrived and was armed with a glass of Cava, the food began to pour out of the kitchen. Oyster's from Rodney's, an impressive housemade charcuterie platter, a literally to die for squash soup. It wasnt until the arrival of the mushroom spaezle that I had anything I didnt love. We rolled on to the chicken ballotine, which is hands down the best chicken dish I've had in any restaurant. Then came the gnocchi, the trout and the signature dish, the burger stuffed with braised shortribs. By the time the 2 fantastic dessert platters arrived, I was transported full circle back to that brunch at C5. That feeling somewhere between satisfaction and explosion. My brain was powering down...so forgive me if I cant remember exactly what those 2 delicious desserts were...but trust that they were delicious. We finished the last of our Tawse Cab Franc (I'm sure I have written of it before on this blog....but yeah...this one is a home run in any crowd. A true Canadian fan favorite) and made our way to the frozen tundra.
While fit to burst at any moment, my night was far from over. I had 3 hours of dancing ahead of me, which would be the last true excersize of my 2 week experiment. My squash partners were tied up the fiollowing days so this was it. From KRS-One to Q Tip to Mase...well I never stopped dancing. It was the kind of night that cant help pour out into the street and before I knew it a contingent were back at my place armed with late night liquor and singalongs to Smokey & The Miracles.
DAY TWELVE
Its safe to say exhaustion was setting in. My vacation was beginning to wear me down. I took a bed day. Ordered a Panormous Pepperoni from Pizza Hut and spent the balance of the day in my bed. If you have a problem with that...well sounds like your problem.
DAY THIRTEEN & FOURTEEN
My culinary experiment had reached its pinnacle the past few days and my grocries & finances had reached their closing bell. Leftovers closed out the affair from pizza to mac n cheese. One glorious highlight was the return volley from my roomate (and G20 media darling, Sir Adam Nobody) who so enjoyed my shortrib pappardelle, he insisted I dive into his dinner of grilled pork chops with chicken gravy. Pizza Hut wasn't finished with me either, as the universe (or restaurant management) decided that staff meal for the crew working to rebuild ONE after the floor renovation would be none other than a stack of heaping boxes of Hut.
 |
| Nobody's Pork Chop |
Which brings me to the activities. While there wasnt much cardio happening I did spend 9 hours on a 4-man crew lugging the entirety of our restaurant (tables, chairs, wine, liquor, ornaments etc) up from the basement and into the dining area. I dont know that did anything for the waistline, but I learned that in the right circumstance, both wet snow and marble can actually be the bane of my existance. I also packed in a pair of ridiculous dancing nights into my experimental swan song, so cardio wasnt abandoned altogether (even if about a dozen pounds of waterweight may have been).
FINAL WEIGH IN: 185 lbs.
Conclusions:
Well my first conclusion is how spoiled we are here in Toronto for food. As a culinary community we often suffer an inferiority complex next to the Londons and New Yorks of the world but whether or not we realize it ourselves we are on the map. And while we may lack the mega fare of Keller and Boulud, most of those are beyond the means of the every day citizen anyhow. Yet for those who can spend $15-$75 a meal there is ENDLESS choice of outstanding and world class options. Its not just the food I had here, but the food I DIDN'T get around to. From Grindhouse to the Hoof to to Buca and literally DOZENS of others we are suffering and embaressment of riches.
But thats not really the point of this. How was my bank account? Well I survived pretty famously for 2 weeks on under $100 in groceries. While there was a couple of heavy hitter evenings at Marben, C5 and Fabrica, all of those places are doable under $50 so long as you stick to a couple of courses. Beyond that everything I ate rang in around the $20 mark. Not so bad considering what most of you probably spend in takeout.
Even more amazing. I actually lost 4 pounds. Further I literally spelled out every activity of a physical nature. 1 jog, a couple days of lifting, 2 games of squash, 4 nights of dancing and a handful of walks hardly constitutes and over active lifestyle. Its a pretty comfortable one actually, thats quite enamored with my couch. It just goes to show with the most minimal effort and a sense of balance you can do just about whatever you want in this life without going the way of the walrus.
The point on the weight side is nothing, positive OR negative happens over night. Getting into the shape you are most comfortable in is a process that takes a great deal of time. The forces that carved Niagara Falls didnt achieve that greatness in even hundreds of human lifetimes. In the same light we cannot expect to gain or lose weight in noticeable increments. So live a little. Because when we're done it should have at least been some fun. THAT my friends, is my meaning of life.
No comments:
Post a Comment